Cursed

 

The jokes are in the title card.  And seemingly lacking from most of the movie, apart from a very meme worthy moment of a werewolf flipping the bird. I was only recently introduced to this movie, and I have no idea why it’s escaped my notice for so long. It’s become a favorite addition of mine in the So Bad It’s Good category.  But I know you may be wondering yourself: What is Cursed and why does nobody remember it? Cursed is another brainchild of screenwriter Kevin Williamson and director Wes Craven, the horror dream team at the time. It also included many well-known actors like Christina Ricci and up and comers like Jesse Eisenberg and Milo Ventimiglia. A creative team like that should’ve guaranteed success, right? Well, Enter Weinstein.  

I guess Harvey Weinstein wasn’t getting enough satisfaction from coercing women, so he decided to screw up what could’ve been a perfectly formidable franchise. Apparently, the original cut of the movie differed greatly from the final cut and tested well with test audiences too but for some reason, the Weinsteins weren’t happy. They wanted Joshua Jackson’s character to be the bad guy to kind of emulate Scream’s plot and the success that followed its release. This is just stupid reasoning to me. Scream wasn’t successful because it was so surprising for the boyfriend to be the killer. It was successful because it subverted your expectations. One minute you think it’s Billy, the next you don’t, and in the next scene other characters start to look suspicious… in this film, or at least this version, Joshua Johnson’s Jake always looked suspect. Maybe you could consider Judy Greer’s snide comments to Christina Ricci foreshadowing but that’s a stretch. The changes Weinstein enforced caused another Scream alum, Skeet Ulrich to drop out of the role and get recast by Jesse Eisenberg.

 According to Eisenberg, the original script was much better. It was gorier too. Originally intended to be R rating, Weinstein later decided that PG-13 rating would ensure better box office success. (You can still find some of the r rated kills online. They’re really gruesome) But yeah...it's not Scream quality film. It's not even I Know What You Did Last Summer quality. That being said...I kind of like it? Maybe. It has this indescribable charm.

 So, the movie starts at some sort of amusement park or fair with these two girls and Portia deRossi playing a fortuneteller. Bowling with Soup performs this song about wolves at the fair. That’s not relevant to the story at all, I just thought I’d mention it because it really made me start to view this movie as an unintentional period piece. One of the girls is also played randomly by 2000s pop singer Mya. And she is convincing her friend to leave her boyfriend when they come across deRossi's stand. She tells them some mysterious prophecy thing that basically lets us know they are redshirts. Portia's character honestly feels kind of superfluous. She just exists for this scene and to tell Christina Ricci a similar warning later and then just dips. That alone makes this movie a failure in the horror genre. If you're not going to develop a character, then at least have them stick around for an awesome kill scene.  And the names in this movie! I know it’s nitpicky but even the names in this movie seem like stock character names: Jenny, Becky, Zipper, Jimmy. Where’s Dick and Jane? But I digress. After the werewolf warning scene with these three disposable characters, we're introduced to one of our leads again played by a young Jesse Eisenberg. And I got to say, he really stepped out of his typecast here. Nerd, yes but not an especially smug or even smart one. 

 His sister is Christina Ricci. Not in real life. Just this movie. His real-life sister is the Pepsi girl. She is a workaholic industry suit person, and we know this because her hair is in a perpetual bun and she can’t make time for her orphaned teenage brother who has some intense paranoia of happenings on Hollywood boulevard. We know that she and Jimmy are brother and sister because he says to her over the phone after she’s running late to pick him up ‘But I’m your brother!’ as if to remind her. Maybe it really was intended to remind his sister, not his real-life sister but Christina Ricci as his sister seeing as I don’t believe Jimmy and Ellie were siblings in the original draft. She's running late because she had to go see Jake as played by Joshua Johnson, her boyfriend with a reputation. I guess he’s opening a Planet Hollywoodesque club, and I also guess he works in the industry like Ellie but somewhere behind the scenes, most likely prop design. He has the cliché ‘I need space’ conversation with Ellie which really sucks for Ellie because she blew off her own brother and subjected him to almost get picked up by Richard Gere. 

 So, she and Jimmy take for home where he complains again about having to wait (I don’t understand why he can’t just take the bus?) and then they get into this car crash that comes out of nowhere. Incidentally, the girl in the other car is the Becky from the beginning. Ellie and Jimmy try to help her out of her demolished car, but she is yanked by and viciously mutilated and killed by some unknown creature. Jimmy mentions that AT&T is shit which is so very true and that they’re on Mullholland Dr, which is so very lame. Becky’s last words are: “It wasn’t a dog, was it?” So I’d like to think she was an ardent animal lover (Hey, my headcanon is more characterization than the script ever gave her). When police and EMT finally arrive Ellie asks, “What kind of animal could do that?” As though she’s unaware of the existence of bears or mountain lions. Even the explanation of a wolf or dog should suffice. Especially one infected with rabies. Considering the circumstances that led to the crash, I’m surprised that the police didn’t take them in for custody. I guess her questioning would make sense if the original cut of Becky’s demise was included(I highly recommend searching for it on YouTube for better context

It would make a little sense, but not much. They show Zipper bite Jimmy uncharacteristically so we know he’s been bitten by the werewolf, and they will now both be ‘cursed’. As for how Ellie's transformation occurs, I guess it’s implied that it’s transmitted sexually by her werewolf boyfriend Jake. I don’t know if that’s a new concept in werewolf lore but it’s something that I definitely have never heard of before and I really like it. It’s weird though, that it’s precluded by Jake breaking into her house and saying that he was scared. Mind you, moments before that he was telling her ‘We need space’. Can you say red flag? 

Anyway, Jimmy seems intent on believing the animal that attacked Becky is a werewolf. He says he’s been cursed by the Mark of the Beast, which like okay… Ellie manifests her mark of the beast by looking ‘‘different today…saucy’. Honestly, the hair down hair up thing is a more legitimate makeover than the glasses off/on romcom trend. I guess it’s the Teen wolf formula of werewolf powers that make you cool or desirable while also bloodthirsty: Ellie is attracted to the smell of nose bleeding coworkers who could not be bothered to go to the bathroom. She also attracts Scott Baio, but come on, it’s Christina Ricci bun or no bun, that’s not really shocking.

 Jimmy’s powers manifest with… canine suspicion, flipping Milo Ventimiglia in the air, and ….a perm? There’s this subplot with Milo Ventimiglia’s bully character constantly picking on Jimmy with homophobic insults but as luck would have it–gasp–he himself was gay. The homophobic closeted gay man has practically become a staple in pop culture, but this might actually have been one of the first instances of it. 

 One thing that doesn’t help the movie is the rules it set for itself. In this universe, werewolves can only be destroyed if you separate the head from the heart, silver just hurts, and some ‘experts’ apparently can’t agree on when the actual wolf transformation should take place (I am quite certain these experts have made appearances on Ancient Aliens.)It’s never explained where Jimmy got this book or how he’s certain that this is the official werewolf book.

 There’s a really cool chase scene with Mya in a parking garage.  I might be wrong but I’m pretty sure that scene was also supposed to be gorier. My favorite part of this scene is when the werewolf pulled the car alarm out of a car that was going off (I suspect she had misophonia). I just love how the werewolf knew exactly which part of the car produces the alarm.

 There’s this part where Christina Ricci sucks Craig Kilborn’s bleeding finger and I really do not know the relevance of that scene or why it made me so uncomfortable. Does anyone else feel similarly?

 You can tell that this was a long production by many things but there is one scene between Judy Greer and Christina Ricci. They are just having a normal conversation outside a studio with hedges and for some reason, it’s green screen, almost like they had to call the two actresses back for reshoots and couldn’t get access to the generic outside studio area again.

 For plot contrivance, Jimmy decides to confide all of this in obvious bad guy Jake (And it’s suspending my disbelief that he nor Ellie’s coworkers or Jimmy’s classmates knew about the accident. I would think that level of damage and eventual carnage would make at least local news) which of course comes back to bite (pun intended) our protagonists. And here’s the thing, I don’t think the original script intended it to be so obvious that Jake was a bad guy. I think the final twist was that Judy Greer was the baddie all along and Jake was a red herring, to subvert the expectation of it being Ellie’s beau like it was in Scream. Williamson had really made subversions his calling card in the Scream franchise, and this would have been a pretty good twist alone but instead of Weinstein following that clever trend in Scream he opted instead to copy-paste the end of movie instead, which is so dumb. 

 The big showdown happens at Jake’s club called Tinsel. Ellie suspects that Jake is the werewolf at this point and calls Jimmy to let him know this, so he and Milo are hiding from Jake now. This scene has many unintentionally funny moments, one of them being a moment where Jake is describing Jimmy to a bouncer and describes him as ‘a little jumpy with brown hair.’ Dude this is an LA club, you will never narrow down that list. This film does have another potential suspect Kyle that it tries to insinuate guilt on only towards the climax. But Judy Greer quickly disproves that theory when she grabs a surprisingly mute Kyle and quietly demolishes his body. So, the twist is that she and Jake like everyone other women in the industry, apparently, hooked up but he was not interested in committing to her. So even though technically Jake was the original werewolf (which still would make him culpable. I mean you should really reveal to a woman that you’re a canine before you sleep with her, but hey, that’s just my opinion) Judy Greer 's character Joanie, the passive aggressive ' hyper skinny publicist’, was the one killing those girls, a scorned werewolf ex murdering the competition. It’s a bit clever, because not only would it make sense for her to off Mya since she was coming on to Jake heavily at a previous party, but it was strongly hinted that Jake and Becky had also dated.

 The meme moment happens after the police have arrived at the scene and in an effort to draw Joanie out of hiding, she describes her as someone with a ‘bony ass and fat thighs and bad skin’. It’s simply a glorious moment.

 The cops shoot Joanie down but there’s one last showdown between Jimmy and Ellie and Jake, that does really feel tacked on. I guess for some reason after the defeat of Joanie, Jimmy and Ellie incorrectly assumed that that was the end of their being werewolves. Shortly after they get home, they start to begin the transformation that the experts couldn't agree upon (I guess the answer was the last 20 minutes of the movie all along) while Jake monologues. He says a lot of boring villainy-type stuff, but the only things of importance are that 1. Jake must die for them to go back to normal and 2. He’s going to kill Jimmy. I really don’t know how Jake thought Ellie was going to react to him telling her all this. I mean, it’s not only dumb to tell a girl that you’ve cursed her but also that the only way to reverse it is to kill you and that you’re going to put her brother out of his misery. Where’s the incentive for her to accept that?! Now, I’d understand the temptation if it was Billy Loomis delivering all but this is Pacey we’re talking about! 

 And then to top it off he changes his mind about keeping Ellie alive when she starts to attack him. The writing of this character just makes zero sense. In one scene he just says ‘I am going to kill you’ in the most lackluster way that is again, so unintentionally funny. It is also kind of incredible Jake opts to kill Ellie in his human form by strangulation instead of his werewolf form. It just doesn’t make sense from a criminal perspective unless werewolves don’t leave DNA. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’d get the job done quicker in werewolf form. But he has a case of plot contrived stupidity which results in Ellie and Jimmy overpowering him. Brooke--is another character I forgot to mention probably because she is the least developed love interest in movie history-- drops off Zipper and she and Jimmy share a kiss out of nowhere while Milo stands uncomfortably nearby (Okay, I know I keep switching between character and actor names, but the former is so generic, it’s hard to keep track). And then you know the rest…fade to black. A franchise was definitely not born with the release of this film, but I don’t think I speak for myself when I say a cult film following was inevitable. And I think we can all agree on this: Release the Craven Cut!