I am going through a bit of a renaissance in listening to Fiona Apple’s early music…First Taste, Limp, Sullen Girl… and so this book came to me at a perfect time. As all others have said, this book was difficult to parse through. It was both intimately and strategically written. I woke up one morning and just pondered it. My heart was heavy for Vanessa. It was one of those moments where you think to yourself ‘this isn’t real…these aren’t really people…’ But it is real. Kate Elizabeth Russell set the stage for someone like Vanessa to be preyed on. Not because she was weak but because she was lonely. She was wounded. We are not really shown a lot of information about who she was before being groomed. Just some petty school drama. Her parents seem normal if a bit clueless. I think this is done on purpose to show how much of an effect this man has had on Vanessa’s life.
The main character traits she is presented with is an obsessiveness that can sometimes border on despair when her needs aren’t being met and a messiness. This one I thought about a lot. So many characters besides her abuser comment on her messiness (and I get the symbolism. But I think I do feel called out in a way honestly lol).
I found this book incredibly relatable. Again the way the author presents these events… she wants you to feel like Vanessa feels, honestly lured in by the ‘love’ story. We may not have all been abused but I think many of us have this rose-tinted recollection of romantic encounters that weren’t actually good for us. And indeed I’ve been in a situation of cognitive dissonance. When you know that they are kind of full of shit and calculating but you remain still tethered. When all that remains is a dream or a soft memory surrounded by mess and you’re just tethered. And again I just adore Fiona Apple.
Before I began reading this book I watched a really Nostrodomian video essay about the vilification of famous women which referenced Britney Spears and Miley and other pop culture celebrities who are given this Nymphette treatment. Girls really are seeing all this and imbibing it the same as everyone else and they’re getting vilified and discarded for it. Even though it permeates our culture. For Vanessa, it seems to seep into every area of life, music, and media. And again I must praise Russell's skill as a writer. I see the commentary on the ubiquity of rape culture but also just the way people you love seem to seep into every area of your life and color it and once they no longer are really a part of your life it starts to become a curse.
The relatability and sympathy I had for Vanessa sometimes turns to alienation. Understandable alienation, but still. She could be so wrong, specifically adult Vanessa but I still felt that the people who surrounded her were more wrong. (Exceptions being Taylor, Natalie, Ruby, and Charlie. They were all real ones) I do but I don’t understand her mother. You know I kind of had to play One Republic in my head when she actually admits her error as a parent to an adult traumatized Vanessa. It’s too late to apologize bitch. Vanessa was stunted after what he did to her. She doesn’t mature in my opinion past the moment of her initial ‘dalliances’ with that man, she just kind of floats in life. And she always seems to be on the cusp of a eureka moment. A realization that this was something bad that happened to her. Strane is the mess, not her. Henry is the mess. Men like them are the problem. But she can’t allow the thought to take root. It takes me a while to realize that she will not have that moment by the end. The book ends at the beginning of Vanessa’s journey to accepting the cruel truth and I think that makes it so much more true and impactful.
Just a fantastic book, all in all. Disturbing but very poignant and evocative. This is one of the best books I’ve read in years.
Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé
